Wednesday, August 08, 2007

According to All My Accusers, or A Tawdry Jaunt through the Multiverse: a rap sheet in ten criminal acts.

According to this search on Google, I may have been found guilty of the following:

  1. Contempt of Court and sent to jail for refusing to evict the elderly

  2. Three counts of assault and one count of assault with intent to commit sexual abuse

  3. 7 counts and each involv[ing] one hundred 5 milligram Percocets

  4. breaches of the Publicans Act on 16 August 1839, 27 September 1839, 11 December 1839, 11 February 1840 and 27 March 1840, and of murder and tried at Monmouth Summer Assizes on Wednesday, 18 August 1819

  5. GBH (Gross Bodily Harm?) while staying at a North London hostel for the mentally ill.

  6. not paying taxes on his Survivor winnings and earnings from a Radio show [I] was part of.

  7. a misdemeanor assault charge in the spring

  8. rape in April 1561, a crime that had probably motivated [my] flight to the continent the year before.

  9. killing children [although there seems to be some doubt]

  10. disorderly conduct and possession of drug paraphernalia.

I reflected on my past yesterday while sitting in traffic court, and have repented of all my misdeeds, vowing to make a fresh start.

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