Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Action figures of the Book

The Marines won't be giving out talking Jesus dolls to kids this Christmas owing to the possibility of giving offense to non-Christians. "We can't take a chance on sending a talking Jesus doll to a Jewish family or a Muslim family."

The obvious solution would be to go a little further back give out talking dolls of religious figures the three monotheistic faiths can agree on. The same company making the Jesus action figure already makes one of Moses (as does, and King David is also esteemed by each religion. But why stop there?

  • Abraham/Ibrahim: "Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?" "If only Ishmael might live under your blessing!" "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son."

  • Noah/Nuh: "Cursed be Canaan! The lowest of slaves will he be to his brothers." "Blessed be the LORD, the God of Shem!" "May God extend the territory of Japhethand may Canaan be his slave."

  • Isaac/Ishaq: "She is my sister." "Now the LORD has given us room and we will flourish in the land."

  • Jacob/Yaqub: "Sell me your birthright." "I am Esau your firstborn." "Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to lie with her."

  • Adam: "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid."

And of course you could have Eve and Rebekah and Sarah and Rachel figures for the girls and unselfconscious boys, though they don't seem to get nearly as many lines in Genesis so one would need to be a little more creative. All the very best passages in the Bible/Torah go to Yahweh, who could be represented by a Burning Bush or an Ark of the Covenant perhaps.

And if any of the kids receiving toys happen to be Buddhist or Hindu or Wiccan? Well, you can't please everyone.


Kelley said...

Maybe I'm just tired, but the part in that article where they referred to the "battery-powered Jesus" cracked me up. The whole thing reminds me of Conan O'Brien's Jesus figurines.

Although, if your talking Adam doll ever goes into production, I totally want one. That's brilliant.

RichM said...

I like the 'collection' page on toypresidents where it says "Moses Ships Immediately!" "Jesus Ships Immediately!" Though it is kind of sad to see that they skipped right over Gerald Ford.

Talking Adam has no navel! Comes with removable fig leaf!

Rache said...

It's crazy isn't it? They reckon everyone is so easily offended these days, why bother trying not to offend them? It'll probably happen whatever you do, be free to do whatever! :)

There are certain coffee shops in England where you get corrected for asking for 'Black' or 'White' coffee. Instead you are supposed to say 'Coffee with/without milk'. Bollocks to that!

RichM said...

And the extraterrestrials probably don't appreciate it if one orders green tea.